 |
|
|
Post By Dancer via HH Thu Oct 26, 2006 at 01:52:27 am EDT |
Subject
Dancer #40: “We’re undercover as Latter-Day Zecharavians who always wear full-face latex masks during the holy month of Flosh.” | |
|
|
Next In Thread >> | |
Dancer #40: “We’re undercover as Latter-Day Zecharavians who always wear full-face latex masks during the holy month of Flosh.” [The scene: Solly Bentman’s sleazy theatre nightclub, where sleazy Solly Bentman is auditioning acts for his new record label. And who are those three alluring young singers who have just entered the building with their managers? And why is one of them constantly trying to stop their leopardskin print leotard constantly riding up into their butt crack?]Hatman, in a rather higher voice than usual: Who designs these things? Sadists? Dancer and Yuki together: Men. Dancer: The high-cut crotch is another tool of male oppression. Hatman: How the heck did I get talked into going undercover in a Marylyn Monroe wig anyhow? Yuki: because as soon as you put the Madonna wig on you threw an almighty strop and wanted to adopt Zebulon. Hatman: I mean why me? Why not get one of the other girls on the team to be part of your undercover all-girl band? Dancer: Apart from it being funny this way? Well the problem is that none of us have a really top-class singing voice. Yuki was able to program herself for guitar and, well anybody can do drums, especially if they have lots of bad-date angst to let out, but we needed a vocalist. Although I’d skip that “Happy Birthday Mr President” number if you don’t want to get assassinated by Mr Epitome. Yuki: We couldn’t use Lisa because she’s not really bubblegum-pop girl band. She’s more heavy leather. And kool whip. And we couldn’t use CV because she refuses to take her mask off. Citizen Z, returning from the registration desk (in civvies but with her mask on): I’m protecting my identity to protect my loved one from unwanted stalker fans. Hatman: So she can go undercover as our agent in a mask and nobody will wonder about it, but not as one of these… Pussies? Dancer: You’d be surprised how many theatrical agents wear full-face latex masks. Really. Visionary: That’s fine. But I still don’t see why I had to wear one too. Yuki: So you and CV look like brother and sister, of course. It’s a family resemblance. Citizen Z: Didn’t you read the briefing papers? We’re undercover as Latter-Day Zecharavians who always wear full-face latex masks during the holy month of Flosh. Otherwise the Ceremony of Flensing is completely obfuscated. Visionary: We’re Latter-Day Zacharavian siblings who just happen to be jointly managing an all-girl (except Hatty) pop band that dresses in cat-ears and pussy tails? Dancer: And fetching if high-crotched leopardskin print leotards. Yuki: We like to get a little bit of depth and detail into our cover identities. For example, it turns out that I’m secretly frightened of men with hairy legs after a childhood incident in a Turkish wrestling arena. Hatman: Is that why you made me shave my legs? Or rather why you made CSFB! shave my legs? *muffles curse* Dancer: No, that is because you are wearing my third-best leopardskin-print leotard and fourth best fishnet tights. And I don’t want prickly man-hairs making holes in them. As I keep telling my dates. Citizen Z: Who has three leopardskin-print leotards just in case? Dancer: Well, there was this special sale on, you see, and the saleman was this very nice man who said… Visionary: Oh no. You set Dancer off on another shopping/boyfriend anecdote. Dancer: No really, he was very nice. He helped me adjust the high cut crotch and everything. And then he said to me… Hatman, realising that this anecdote might go on for a while: So did we get registered for an audition? Only I really want to get this wig off before I start my menstrual cycle. Citizen Z: But no sacrifice is too great in the cause of fighting crime, right. Not even your Adam’s apple. Hatman: It’s not my Adam’s apple I’m worried about. Look, we just need to get this over with before I can’t resist the temptation to go stand over steam vents any more. Visionary: Why do I always get dragged along on these high risk missions? Dancer: So then he said did I ever drink coffee, and I said of course I drink coffee although nowadays I actually prefer blackcurrant tea with a dash of… Yuki: You know, thinking about it, we might have spent less time working out the backstory about our childhoods in Turkey, Bolivia, and Jellystone Park respectively and more time actually picking a song to perform and maybe rehearsing it. Citizen Z: Don’t worry. I hear that some larynx-shrinking toxic agent somehow got into the water cooler here and a lot of the other auditioners are suffering from mysterious loss of voice. Plus there has been a spate of freak electric guitar sabotages. Hatman: What I don’t understand is why I had to have a background cover of being abandoned by my parents and brought up by bears. Yuki: It explains your compulsive desire to shave your legs. And why you want to share your grief with the world through your music. Dancer: So anyway we got to his apartment and I asked where he kept his beloved stamp collection and he said it was in the bedroom bureau… Visionary: Wait a minute. Freak electric guitar sabotages? Aren’t people going to spot somebody in a Latter-Day Zecharavian mask going around tampering with their musical instruments? Citizen Z: Well yes, but fortunately you’re wearing that mask as well and I’ve already established a robust alibi. Dancer: Well that kind of bra malfunction can happen to anybody, I guess, and Lionel was very understanding about it. In fact he happened to have this other clothing for me to get into that belonged to his cousin from the time she joined the circus… Hatman: How much longer is this chapter going on? Only I’m feeling like I need a bathroom break and that is just not going to happen. Citizen Z: Remember what we talked about? Your mentor Finny would never baulk at disguising himself to battle crime. Or Dark Knight. In fact I heard that Dark Knight probably liked dressing up as a woman recreationally. In a J. Edgar Hoover costume. Visionary: I can pretty much guarantee that Finny would draw the line at fighting crime in a ladies’ bathroom. In fact if Baron Zemo had made his secret base in a ladies bathroom we’d probably all be speaking, um, Zemovian by now. Citizen Z: Really…? Dancer: So anyway he would have called me for a second date but his dear old grandmother in France was taken very ill and he said he’d e-mail me as soon as he got there if only France had internet connections… Call Girl: Next! Calling up Judy and the Pussies! Hatman: That’s us! We’re up! Showtime! Um, is my high-cut leopardskin crotch straight? Call Girl: By the way, can I just go on record as saying that my job is to call up all the bands onto the stage at the right moment and to get their detail sheets. Not what you were thinking. And I’ve really heard all the jokes. Citizen Z: And you still choose that make-up. Interesting. Dancer: This is it. I’m making sure that improbably Solly Bentman doesn’t recognise any of us. Hatman: Thank goodness. Yuki: You know Dancer, you could use this probability trick to protect some kind of secret identity if you wanted to. People would meet your everyday persona and just never happen to realise how much like the Probability Dancer you actually looked. Dancer: …….. Um, yes. Gosh. What a clever idea. Oh look, kittens! All PV stories have to have kittens in them now. Solly Bentman: Okay, I’m loving the costumes. Especially the cutie Marilyn Monroe lookalike. She can stay behind afterwards for special auditioning. Citizen Z: It’s for truth and justice, Hatman. You know Jarvis would go in there and take it like a man. Dancer: Thank you for interviewing us, Mr Bentman. We’d like to perform a little number called… Visionary, on cue: Stop! Stop right there, Judy and the Pussies! I’ve just got a phone call offer from our earlier audition. Yuki, on cue: You mean… we get to play the gig at the Parodiopolis Variety Theatre Friday night? Our big break has come? Hatman: This damn leopardskin-print leotard is riding up again. Er, I mean, wow, we’ve made it to the big time, all thanks to the secret auteur that has bought the Parodiopolis Variety Theatre in a bid to become the biggest entertainments kingpin on the East Coast. Solly Bentman: What? Wait, I was going to give you a contract. Well, I was certainly planning to give you something. Dancer: Sorry, Mr Bentman. Looks like we’ve got a better offer. Which is a shame because to get this job we were going to [description reserved for CSFB!’s pay-per-view website]. With anchovies. Visionary: With anchovies? That’s just wrong. Citizen Z: We need to go rehearse for our big break. Somebody drag Judy off that steam vent and let’s get out of here. Hatman: Boo-boo-pe-doop. Solly Bentman: Again I get thwarted by the mystery buyer of the Parodiopolis Variety Theatre! But no more. I shall be entertainments kingpin of the East Coast and all thespians will kneel before me. Especially the cute ones. Solly Bentman: It looks as though the Parodiopolis Variety Theatre and its owner will have to have a little accident. No, make that a big accident. Solly Bentman, phoning: Hello? Get me Gromm the Living Flatulence. [continued…]  Hatman: Can I take this wig off now? Dancer: I guess so. But please take my third-best leopardskin leotard off first. |
| Echo™ v3.0 beta © 2003-2006 Powermad Software |
|
|